to send or not to send

two weeks of pondering, brooding, analyzing, dissecting, and still i can't freaking make a decision. wae??? ottokke??? aigu... nanun hopeless-imnida. haha.

to the other side...

Happy Birthday, Long!
Wherever you are, I hope you this greeting reaches you.
Thank you for being born and, even if only briefly, for being in my life.
Thanks for believing in me, more than I believed in myself.
I Love You Forever lolo...

<3, Gina

hello, september

august has totally flown by and so has my mind. but hello, (middle of) september, you are a sobering reminder of time passing by speedily.

in the past month that i have not blogged, some opportunities have closed their doors on me. (Goodbye, Sudan. Maybe you were never meant to be). And some opened up a wee bit, enough for me to have a little bit of hope (<3). I have gone back to Chicago once more, and had a BLAST this time. Which totally solidifies my belief that travels are not all about where you go, but more importantly, who you go with. For the rest of the month though, i have slacked off and lazed around unproductively - and judging by the state my room is in right now, i may have also been invaded by a hurricane. Metaphorically and physically. Haha.

My Korean is going progressively well, but my English is ironically getting bad-der. Haha. Weird. I may be going crazy soon though, for Korean is a totally foreign language. With it's own characters and rules and irregular verbs and postpositions and what nots. Totally not what i signed up for when i started, however, some of my dormant brain cells are getting revived by the challenge and it is refreshing.

Work is work and will always be work. some days bad, some days worse, then even if it is unimaginable, it even gets worse. I continue to be grumpy in the mornings and shoot deadly looks at all the people who are unbelievably alert and chirpy.. Gawwd. I am so not a morning person.

Today, I have gone back to church in what seemed like months. or rather, it has been months. And guess what? It feels good. Every sunday that i'm off i always try to go to church but somehow never managed to. Today, however, i got sick of myself and i finally went.

Time and time again God has shown great mercy and LOVE to me. Today is a great day because He has been proven right again. Today I realized that I have to trust HIM only. Not pay attention to my fears, insecurities, excuses, but to pay attention to ONLY HIM. Because out of my weakness, he will be my strength. He will, as he did today, lead me to where I am supposed to be. I only have to trust in him and make a little leap of faith so I can get there. Ahhh! I love my salvation. And the God who let me see the light and who will never let me go back to where i was.

I am inspired to get my life together and act NOW. I realize that even if i so badly want it to because I haven't got my stuff figured out yet, the world will not stop for me. I have to make my thoughts meaningful, my actions fruitful, and my days productive.

so till then dear blog. Tomorrow is a new beggining, and I am hopeful.

signing off in Korean fashion: Aja, Aja! FIGHTING! ^^

of swollen lips and widening horizons

so i woke up this morning to a wonderful sunny day and ginormous upper lips. somewhere in my sleep last night, it seems like i have gone for a silicone injection on my lip by way of an insect bite, and it is how it is now - plump and red. now i know how angelina jolie half-feels like. LOL. not really funny, but it looks funny. now the alabama trip is cancelled, and i might take the first benadryl pill in my life - if the swelling does not go down after all these cold compresses.

on to more pressing matters however, an exciting window of opportunity has opened, and i am scared/excited/worried/excited. well, mostly excited. after 5 years, the UN has finally called me!!!! i remember being fresh out of nursing school writing an email to this lady at the UN Philippines expressing my desire to work for them. i spent a good hour drafting that letter, and another one contemplating whether to send it or not, knowing full well i was unqualified then. i never sent the email, saved it in my drafts where it still resides to this day. 5 1/2 years later, i'm 26 and very much qualified with a 5-year nursing experience and finally i got the email!!! i was so excited i was jumping up and down in the shower. thank u UN, for even taking time to look at my profile, it feels humbling and my heart is filled with a happiness u can only get after getting a lifelong wish. haha. so poetic.

but anyway, i might get sent to SUDAN! main reason why i am scared/worried. why not Tahiti, or Haiti, or the Fiji islands? because i's where i'm needed. My God and I already had a verbal agreement when i signed up for this thing, that if his will is for me to go, and i get an email, then i would drop everything and follow where he leads me. and oddly enough, im at a time in my life where i can drop everything! meant to be? who knows. but i'm a mere follower of the mighty God who brought me here on earth for a purpose. who am i defy the very purpose of my existence??? He has proven all along that he is faithful, and he takes care of the littlest details, so i am not afraid.

i dont know how the next week would go, i can only imagine what might not happen. but surely there's an agonizing wait that follows. whichever happens, i'm ready.

now only if this damned lip cooperates and gets better...

big girls don't cry

im taking a big step today to move on and be a better person as promised.
though still tempted to wallow in sadness and cry over what happened this past week, what good would it do?
the only way i can give justice in memory of her name and legacy is to live a better person, God-fearing and happy.
i know she's happy where she is and me being sad about it is selfishness.
so here's to new friends, new challenges and being reunited once again, with my true, peaceful, reassured self.

im thankful for a God who knows me and loves me and provides for my needs waaaaaay before i even think of them.
he is patient with the stubborn me, who threatens to let go every now and then.
and no matter what happens, he reigns me in and leads me back to where i'm supposed to be.
isnt that amazing? <3

back to you

i shouldn't have bothered to check up on you, but it's been too long and i suddenly missed you. so at the risk of appearing like a stalker, i clicked on your profile only to have my heart broken again. over and over, year after year it seems like an ongoing cycle. she's not even that pretty. hah i think you deserve someone better. not necessarily me. ugh, definitely NOT me. but it COULD be me... so all i'm saying is, i think you should break up with her and stay perpetually single. at least until we finally become facebook friends- and then you'll finally realize that it's ME! <3 hi ~~~~ ps. i love being awake at dawn, the peaceful silence nurtures the wishful thinkers. LOL

i have to confess, i'm officially obsessed.

dont they say the first step to recovery is acceptance of the problem? well, i do have a problem, and this is my catharsis.

after taking a 2-month break from being a nurse owing to burnout (entirely a different blog entry when i have time), i came back to the states unsure of my future. i had a semi-job that allowed me to stay afloat while taking my time to test the waters and slowly convince myself to go back full time to the nursing world. it was difficult and i was miserable. i didn't want to admit it then, but i really was. being the queen of procrastination, having too much free time on my hands and nothing really substantial to do, i began to spiral downwards to... depression/boredom/deep misery.

then came the light at the end of the tunnel... a K-drama called Boys over flowers (Kkbota Namja), and the brightest light of all of them is a character called Jihoo in real life Kim Hyun Joong. he is my drug, my addiction. and i have been hooked for the past 5 months.

it's now July, the second half of the year and i am still afflicted. in the last 5 months, i have discovered an inner Korean in me. Sure i have watched K-dramas in the past, and have had crushes on them Korean actors, but never as obsessively as i have been to Jihoo. i have spent HOURS, DAYS, perusing countless websites just to know more about him. the more i know about him, the worse it got. It doesnt help that he has thousands of clips on youtube.. or that he has such a magnetic personality.. that he is such a good singer and dancer.. and that hot body of his... OMFG. seriously. oh the good (or maybe bad) thing is, he has millions of fangirls like me, obsessing about him. so while my real life friends dont get me, i have cyber friends that feel the exact same thing as i do. hahaha.

wow, listen to me. 26 years old and fangirling like crazy. i know it's not normal. i know my obsession to him has been affecting my overall productivity and someday i have got to shake it off for my own health and goodness. however, for now i am enjoying this new found world. i am learning Hangeul. i think i have developed an ear for it. haha. i love everything Korean now and one of my life goals is to visit Seoul and just soak up in it. if i get lucky, maybe, quite possibly, even meet KHJ. ^^